when i add up all the parts of myself with which i am unhappy, they surpass the total of me.

i leapt into this new position in a field of law i had never worked in and excelled. my boss is really cool and i have become her right hand. the director of my department loves my work. they awarded me employee of the month and im only in my 7th month of employment. they have recognition awards and ive received one for every month ive been there. i should be excited. and intellectually i am. but they took my picture and put it on our internal website for the whole firm to see and all i see is a double chin, cheeks so chubby they make my eyes look beady and a body much larger than i think of it in my minds eye and my own mirror. today, the director took another picture to go with an appreciation award my boss gave me for keeping things running while she was on vacation. it was all i could do not to cringe at the camera. i put on a brave face and nodded approval when she showed me the picture and told me it will be on the website tomorrow.

everything i expouse about loving our bodies and not allowing societal norms for beauty dictate our self worth is just so hard to apply to myself. i look at other people and think it must be so easy for them because theyre all so cute. i cant see my curves, rolls, fat in the same light. i think my face isnt pretty enough to pull it all off. i hurt myself so much and it feels too ingrained to combat.

so im succeeding at a career. for the first time i think i could really get ahead and be appreciated. and all i can think about is my double chin.

i turn 35 tomorrow. i feel like my age finally caught up to my looks. im probably exaggerating a bit. i have a really hard time with birthdays and holidays in general. its hard getting old but it beats the alternative, right?