feeling good shouldn’t be so hard. I just have a barrage of negative thoughts, especially lately, that feel overwhelming. I have an office job now, I’m sure I’ve gained weight, and I’m feeling my body in an uncomfortable way. whereas I used to feel that getting dressed was fun, I am now just camouflaging myself however possible. I have a closet full of clothes I’m not wearing because I feel acutely aware of every part of my body and how grotesque I feel in it right now. I feel like I’m backsliding down a road that took a lot of work to go up the first time. I’m just not sure how to deal with it right now.
I am 34 and just finding out I suffer from PTSD which makes a lot of sense. I found out my mother is in town and it scared me. a very familiar stifled panic I have felt every time her or my father are in close proximity to the life I’ve built. my uncle and his wife too. I finally really opened up in therapy and it feels good and scary at different moments. I have renters insurance and good credit, so I guess it’s time to find a way to grow up emotionally too. I still will feel better when I know she’s back across the country. less chance she can hurt me from there, although certainly not impossible.